Je veux ton amour

I need to learn to to be more blunt....I tend to beat around the bush and just sort of pathetically hope that people will get the message. However, I'm realizing that giving someone the benefit of the doubt isn't always a good thing because people can be quite oblivious, resulting in much uncommunicated frustration on my end.

I need to get some new hobbies. Every year I make a list of things I want to do over the break and in the new year, but let's be realistic, none of them ever get done. So instead of making a list with all these bagillion awesome things and saying "look how productive I'm going to be!"....I'm just going to focus on one or two and actually do them.

I have an unhealthy obsession with Lady GaGa. This is only very recent, but it's still prevalent in my life nonetheless because I find myself incorporating her lyrics into normal conversation. It's a problem. But she's so bizarre and her songs are so damn catchy. I'm convinced she's a cyborg. A leotard wearing, Euro-pop song producing, sexually confused cyborg.

Frustration.

You're gonna lose me if you don't choose me.

Take it easy, love nothing

Now I do as I please and lie through my teeth
Someone might get hurt, but it won't be me
I should probably feel cheap but I just feel free...
and a little bit empty
No, it isn't so hard to get close to me
There will be no arguments
We will always agree
And I'll try and be kind when I ask you to leave
We'll both take it easy
But if you stay too long inside my memory,
I will trap you in a song tied to a melody
and I will keep you there so you can't bother me.

PostSecret 11/8

"I've learned that people are more than their mistakes."

I'm not sure why, but Fridays are so lonely.

As soon as I get done with class around noon, I get this antsy feeling that never seems to go away and only becomes more persistent if I decide to come home to my parents house. It feels like I'm missing out on something....like everyone is collectively doing something epic without me.

This house doesn't feel like mine anymore and it's kinda sad. Of course, the fact that my mother is constantly renovating some room in the house doesn't help my cause.

I thought things would be getting better once Homecoming was over....but that hasn't really happened. So many newsworthy things happened this week that only increased the stress I was under dealing with multiple midterms and a news staff of five.

The events that occurred this week made me a little bitter and disgusted with the nature of how people can act. Granted, I try to keep an open mind and consider other people's perspectives. But sometimes, I just can't fathom how people can be so ignorant, close minded, rude, and just downright stupid.

I don't even want to delve into this preacher incident because it only gives me a headache. I'll just leave it at this. Neither party was right. In my opinion, both parties were very wrong. Freedom of speech seems to be such a touchy subject these days and I really feel that people abuse and take for granted this precious amenity. And that's exactly what happened Wednesday afternoon. I may not have been a witness to the events, but I know that no matter what the circumstances are, fighting violence with violence is guaranteed to make things 10x worse, and this case was no exception. It makes me incredibly bitter when I see people try to force their beliefs on other people. It upsets me even more when those people trying to be coerced react with absolute anger and hatred. Everyone thinks they are right. No one is ever wrong. Seriously, as lame as it sounds, can't we all just get along? I'm not saying we should all hold hands and commence skipping in a field of flowers. But let's at least stop acting like 5-year-olds, shrug our shoulders, and move on with life.

Moving on, allegations of hazing have surfaced involving one of the fraternities on campus. Hazing is wrong. That's it. No if, ands, or buts. It's degrading, pointless, not to mention against the law. The fact that people are trying to defend the fraternity in question just boggles my mind. Since when is it ok to urinate on someone? To throw chairs at them and make them do absurd physical activity? Is that what brotherhood is about? Letting someone degrade you just so you can be a part of an organization.....an organization that you are paying to be in? Please someone explain this to me. I get wanting to be a part of something that helps the community, that builds relationships and creates a positive atmosphere on campus. Please tell me what's positive about this humiliation and degradation that's been taking place.

I just can't wait to get off Greek beat because I feel that my own personal opinions on the organizations are going to start conflicting with my goals to remain objective. That........

and frankly. I just don't care anymore.

Note to self: Breathe

All I want to do is relax.

I don't want to worry about anything.

My mind has been in a constant state of motion for the past three weeks..

And I want it to stop.

I sorta feel like in my quest to help other people and putting others before myself, I've stretched myself thin and it's taking it's toll. Instead, I've been making decisions without thinking, and this may have undoubtedly made situations worse.

I don't get enough sleep. I hardly have enough time to eat. I have zero time to think.

I love my friends and the people I interact with on a day-to-day basis to death.....

but lately....

I'm just getting so annoyed with everyone. And I feel so utterly terrible about it. I find myself ignoring phone calls, not responding to texts. It's awful, and I'll catch myself doing it and think how incredibly rude it is.

It's just, I feel like a broken record telling people "I can't hang out, I'm busy, so sorry"...yet I keep getting asked over and over and over when I'm free. How terrible is that?? I'm annoyed that people want to spend time with me! I guess it's just frustrating because no one understands that because I'm getting pulled in every direction with work and school, the times when I'm not doing those activities is MY TIME. And when I get asked multiple times, it only stresses me out all the more. I can't help but get a little hissy when someone says "Hey thanks for coming to my party last night. NOT." Or, "You're always busy. Just put me on the waiting list and let me know when you are free." Heey now, sorry that I have other priorities.

But I'm done ranting about this because now I feel terrible for even mentioning it. It's just....I feel like I keep skirting the edge of a mental breakdown, and one of these days I might blow.

I want to leave the country, cell phone and computer-less and go somewhere where nobody knows me, sit, breathe, and relax. I'm tired of having obligations and responsibilities and I'm worried that all my hard work won't amount to anything in the long-run. :(

Caring is Creepy

The past two weeks have been rather weird.......weird encounters, weird conversations, weird situations....

I feel like I have been having an extended out of body experience. And while I'm standing there watching myself go through all this, all I can do is scratch my head and wait for it to end. But the weirdest thing BY FAR is the fact that while all this crap is happening, "Caring is Creepy" by The Shins is continuously playing in my mind. It sounds funny writing about it now, but after having this stuck in your head for a good 14+ days, it's driving me up the freakin' wall. 

I'm so sick of the music in my library. Since school started, I met a lot of new people and whenever we finally get to the "so what bands do you listen to..." conversation......I try to change the subject or respond with "good ones, I guess" and leave it at that. I used to be really smug about my taste in music, but come on who isn't? However, I have come to realize I'm embarrassed to tell people I'm a die-hard Death Cab fan or that Radiohead's Kid A is the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes. The red flag went up for me during a two hour long car ride to a Foster Falls camping trip. Someone in the car tossed out the "top 5 stranded on an island albums" question....and from there it just went downhill. I guess I should be proud that I have friends with eclectic tastes, but at the time I thought about pretending to be asleep so I didn't have to indulge everyone with my list. Is it a crime that I'm not really into Dylan that much? Sorry I never got into the Pixies. I only listen to the same indie bands that EVERYONE listens to. This has to change. But at the same time, I'm thinking all the up and coming bands out there need to get themselves together and expand their sound. I'm tired of shitty bands with ironic names that have a bagillion bearded, skinny, scruffy looking, vest wearing, cigarette holding followers. Boring and expected. 

Greek recruitment has started. Woot. I know, I know....who cares. However, after spending so much time around them, meeting and interviewing them, I have been pleasantly surprised. The Greeks do a heck of a lot on campus. They do a crap load of community service and a lot of them hold many leadership positions. And I have met some really classy ladies and some exceptionally polite gentlemen. Does this mean I will ever consider going Greek? No. But my initial perspective of them being obnoxious d-bags majoring in partying hardy has definitely changed. Mind you, a good handful of them do live up to the typical bro-status or overly dramatic party-girl cliche. But at least the others make up for their fraternity brothers and sorority sister's stereotypes. 

The recording industry department just got a new $300,000 API sound board in studio A, and I have to say it's kinda cute seeing a bunch of pro audio dudes getting reeeeallly excited about a surround mixing console. It ALMOST made me miss that aspect of my college career.....then I quickly realized I didn't have clue what Ronald Prent, an engineer from Belgium giving the demonstration was talking about. Nor did I really care. There was a girl standing behind me letting out ooooohs and aaaahs at appropriate times, and I really wanted to say shut up you are as clueless as me, but of course I didn't. It took me a little while to try and figure out why President Sidney McPhee was there speaking, but then I realized duh, $300,000 just got spent on a piece of recording equipment. That's a house. A relatively nice house.  

A place in displacement

Tomorrow is the big move in day. I don't know how I'm going to be able to fall asleep even though I'm exhausted. Today flew by...which is ironic considering it feels like the past few weeks have been in slow motion. My walls are bare. It's weird how big it looks without a ton of crap in it. Good lord did do I have a lot of stuff...two car loads to be exact. My mom is acting like I'm moving to another country instead of 40 minutes away. Did she completely forget we already did this last school year? Guess it seems more permanent when there is an empty closet.

My MacBook Pro came today and I instantly fell in love. I used to be anti-Mac....but holy cow this thing is magic. Now I get to wait in anticipation for the iPod touch that's being shipped from (can't pronounce the name) , China.

Fortunes

My room looks like a bomb hit it. I don't move out until next Thursday, but since I am queen of procrastination, figured I'd better get a head start on the packing.
It sucks opening drawers and boxes only to discover pictures or random objects that I'd rather not have to see. I thought packing was supposed to help take my mind off things? It feels like ripping off a band aid.....it stings like hell. But almost instantly the pain vanishes again and it's ok.
I'm getting a mac. That's about the only thing I have to look forward to this week, other than the apartment. I've been debating whether or not to get one all summer, but I realized it's the only thing I'd be willing to spend that much money on....I've wanted one FOREVER. I worked hard this summer, it's going to be a gift to myself. After this I'm saving every penny I make. Having two jobs will be stressful next semester, but I'll manage. I hate money.

The nastiest people came into Movie Gallery today. I HATE arguing with people. I absolutely loathe it. So imagine my disgust when a lady came in claiming that none of our DVDs play in her player....but that it wasn't her fault, no it was MY fault for renting her the "faulty" discs. I told her it was funny how they play in our player....and our hundreds of other customer's players...but not hers. She must be special. But special or not, no ma'am I can't give you your money back and give you free movies to compensate, besides what would be the point when they don't play in your magical player? Nothing tops another employee, Tony, one of the sweetest guys I've ever met, getting fired last week because a man blew a fuse over having to pay a $2.79 late fee. Wouldn't you say "Get the f*** out of the store" if someone started cursing at you telling you to come outside and fight while you stood there calmly???
If you're curious, the late fee in question was for the documentary Super Size Me. And yes. The angry customer was in fact, overweight.

My dad leaves tomorrow morning. I won't dwell on it too much because it makes me want to lay down and instantly go to sleep so I don't have to think about it anymore. I'm praying God looks after him. My mom is a wreck. My sister is 2x worse because she has to deal with the fact that not only is our dad leaving, but she is starting high school tomorrow as well.
I'm nervous for Katie. When I started high school we were living in Hawaii and I didn't know a single soul. I was pale, had braces, and talking to another human being made me break out in a rash. Katie is gorgeous, has too many friends to keep track of and has a boy calling the house asking for her at least every other day. I pray that she will stay on the right track, it never occurred to me until now how fast innocence can vanish. She has a good head on her shoulders, though.

Jonathan and I went to a Chinese restaurant and it was the weirdest experience at a Chinese restaurant I have ever had. The waitresses acted like the last thing they wanted to be doing was to wait on us. At the end we couldn't figure out where we were supposed to pay and the waitress looked at Jonathan like she would kill him in his sleep. The food was unusually chewy. Jonathan swore up and down he could interpret the cheesy karaoke music that was playing in the background. Best of all was the completely blank fortune he got in his cookie when the check came. "This," he said with a smirk on his face, "has to be the most accurate fortune I have ever received."

Keep your eyes ahead

We've been in Florida for about four days...but I'm ready to come home. The beach is great, but let's be honest, your family can drive you up the wall. I'm also really anticipating finally moving into the new apartment.
My summer did not turn out the way I had planned at all. I saw myself working in another country and experiencing "new things". Instead, I found myself working at a job that tests my patience and pays minimum wage, suffering through some heart ache, and worst of all......
Saying goodbye to my dad who is being deployed to Afghanistan.
To be perfectly honest, when he told me the news I didn't know what to think or feel. I guess at first I was just numb. Then the pain set it when I saw how much it hurt my sister and my mom. I could just see the fear in their eyes...the fear of what could potentially happen to my dad during the 12 to 15 months he will be in this incredibly dangerous country. Then the pain turned to anger when I realized that the one person I wanted to find comfort and solace in....
the one person I had confined in for almost two years.......
wasn't there for me.

I was blinded with bitterness for a little while......I felt lost and hurt. My two best girlfriends were miles away in other states. Who was I supposed to talk to about this?
Thinking about it now, I can't wrap my head around how ridiculous I was acting. I was feeling sorry for myself when my dad is the one who is actually having to leave his family for more than a year. And I had plenty of people to talk to about it! This summer I got so much closer to a group of people who I have come to realize are the most genuine and caring people I have ever met. One of these friends has helped me more than they will probably ever realize.

I think I've learned more about myself....and other people for that matter.... in these past few weeks than at any other point in my life. I've done things I would have never in a million years pictured myself doing; camping, top roping a 5.8 cliff.... I used to freaking hate the outdoors! It's like I walked outside one day and suddenly realized how beautiful nature is and how truly blessed by God we are to have it. I think the most important lesson I've learned is that you really don't need someone else to make you happy.

My only goal for this next school year is to become selfless. I've been so self-centered lately and there are so many more important things to care about.
I can still remember what Brittany said to me on the phone one day when I called her blubbering. "Stop crying Emma. Why are you crying? You have nothing to cry about."

And she was right. I don't.

My My

Have you ever gotten the urge to sell everything you own, throw your cell phone into a lake and just drive off to nowhere in particular? Well for the past two weeks....I have. I was with my friend Brittany last week and we were driving around Nashville. I hadn't seen her literally all summer because she had been away at camp. It was a beautiful night. We had just spent a good two and a half hours at Climb Nashville and we were enjoying the cool night air streaming through the open windows. She told me that after practically living outside so much during the summer, she wanted to continue doing it. I told her I wanted to win the lottery. "What would you do with a million dollars?" I asked her. "I would move from place to place," she said. "Each time I would give away everything I owned, I would only keep the clothes I was wearing, and then I would start over." I thought she was completely insane at first. But then I couldn't help but admire her. By this time we were sitting in a Thai restaurant talking about our futures. I told her I was scared because I couldn't picture mine. I feel like I haven't started living yet. I said I felt like since I was born, my whole life has been constructed for me by parents, teachers, friends, employers; basically almost everyone I've ever come in contact with. She told me that's sad. The rest of the summer she is planning on hopping on a Greyhound bus and going all over the place. I asked her if her parents were ok with her doing that. She said she was her own person, she did what she wanted. At that instant I felt incredibly jealous and sad at the same time. I could never ever get away with what she was planning on doing............ or could I?

jigsaw falling into place

My aspirations of updating this blog daily seemed to have gone down the drain along with everything else I had planned for this summer.
I guess more than anything I'm just frustrated with myself for never finishing anything I start.
I was working on a puzzle at the beginning of the summer and it was really testing my patience. It's a beautiful picture of The Dolomites, a section of the Alps in Italy. On the box it says 1000 pieces, ages 12+. What it doesn't say is "Hey this puzzle you're about to tackle will drive you up the freakin wall." While I was trying to put this sucker together, I had nothing else to do but reflect on life. Then I came to the conclusion that this puzzle is like my life. The box it comes in is so small and simple, the picture on the front beautiful and perfect. But as soon as you dump out the contents, it's a complete mess. I started with the outer edge but it feels impossible to fill in the middle. And I feel like there has to be missing pieces, I swear I've looked at every piece more than once. Then I got paranoid and thought what if the maker of this puzzle gave me pieces that don't even fit? Or even worse, they took some pieces out just to drive me crazy? I used to do that to my sister when we were younger. She would spend ages putting together this puzzle of whales and I would always hide one piece just to annoy her. It was so mean, I'm not sure why I did it.
It's stupid, but I felt like the more of this puzzle I completed, the more things would start making sense. Or maybe not necessarily make sense....the overall picture would just become clearer. And then tragedy struck and my mom told me my puzzle was taking over the dining room table and that the dog kept trying to eat the pieces, could I please put it away? I was pissed. I threw the pieces in the box and put it in my room, and immediately regreted doing that because I knew I wasn't going to touch it again. I had worked so hard on that silly puzzle, why start over?
The box of puzzle pieces is sitting in the corner of my room and it makes me wonder what happened to my motivation. What happened to me wanting to learn how to play the harmonica this summer? Or going to the library and reading for hours? Running a mile everyday? Updating this blog? Have I let too much summer slip by to finish what I started? I guess only I myself know the answers to my own puzzling questions.

Did I just hear banjo music?

Is it possible to get cabin fever after being in one for only three days? It's gotten to the point where my sister and I are so bored, we have started playing "let's see who can scare the crap out of each other the most." I, of course, am the reigning champion, but Katie is definitely giving me a run for my money. This morning I walked down the stairs only to be greeted by her popping out from around the corner, producing a high pitched scream from me. It really wasn't fair, I had just woken up and wasn't in the zone. But I got her back later this afternoon while we were on the deck by pointing at the glass door behind her and making a terrified face, as if a spider the size of a small dog was waiting to launch itself at her head. She screamed and danced around the deck going "GET IT OFF GET IT OFF" while I basked in the glory of my victory.
We went to a little town not too far away called Little Switzerland and the trip there nearly made me vomit in the car. We went up and down winding roads and I had to close my eyes because seeing all the greenery whip past made me so dizzy. But every now and then there were breaks in the trees and the view was beautiful. The mountains were covered in mist but looking down into the valleys below was breathtaking. The little town was filled with gift shops and one really sweet used bookstore. I got separated from the group in there but came across an entire collection of Charles Dickens books. After buying some books the cashier told me I could get some free ice cream, so score! I got A Tale of Two Cities AND a Klondike Bar. My sister got a sweet sweatshirt even though I begged her to get a shirt that said "If you start hearing banjo music, paddle faster."
Katie and I went for a walk later in the evening on some trails near the river next to the cabin. We encountered a random man who, after walking passed us yelled "Watch out for dem bears!!" Then we walked passed a cabin with banjo music blasting from the inside. There were three little girls dancing on the deck, but as soon as they saw us, they immediately froze and just stared as we walked past. It was bizarre. Needless to say we decided it was time to turn around.
We are heading back home tomorrow. It was nice to get away for the weekend, but I miss technology.......and people for that matter.

Do Over!

I was getting frustrated with Wordpress...so I switched to Blogger. It also gave me an excuse to come up with a cooler banner and blog title.
What makes this blog better than my old one? Absolutely nothing. The only thing I've decided to do differently with this one was to make sure I don't continue to write a plethora of whiney blogs because, well let's be serious, no one likes reading those.
With that said....
A few weeks ago I went to the Death Cab for Cutie concert at The Ryman and it was spectacular. Not only did I get to see my favorite band, but Ra Ra Riot opened for them, along with Matt Costa. Seeing Ra Ra Riot made me want to pick up cello lessons big time. Matt Costa reminds me of a grasshopper because his legs are so long and skinny. Both acts were astounding, but I was a little disappointed with the crowd. These looked like people who listened to awesome music, but no one seemed that enthused with the bands. Not until Death Cab took the stage, of course. They finished their encore set with Transatlanticism which I had been waiting for all night.
Last week I saw Billy Joel and Elton John's Face 2 Face Tour at the Sommet Center and that was a great show too. I've never seen so many drunk adults in one space. Our seats were by no means that great, but it didn't matter because it was still an enjoyable show. They both came out on dueling pianos, Elton clad in his trademark sequin-covered jacket and sunglasses. The couples on our row must have squeezed past us to go to the bathroom at least six or seven times. I could have sworn by the end they were just placing bets on who could make everyone stand up in our row the most.
The most recent concert I attended last week was Coldplay. Jason and I swapped our original tickets for the show in Nashville for better ones at a venue in Alabama. We didn't realize the venue was outside until we got there, thank goodness I had a sweatshirt because it was freezing. We also didn't know that Pete Yorn was opening for them so that was an added bonus. The show blew my mind. The two teeny boppers sitting in front of us blew my eardrums. They were screaming long before the show even started and they continued to scream until they left. The girl sitting next to me got so excited she stepped in, no not on, in my purse. But Chris Martin joked around with the audience and made everyone fall in love with the band even more. At one point butterfly confetti rained from the sky and before the show ended, Chris announced that everyone would be receiving a free copy of their new live album, LeftRightLeftRightLeft. It's arguably one of the best shows I've ever attended. Getting out of the parking lot, however, was like playing Traffic Jam, and shady guys selling knock-off merch took advantage of this. But, I did get a $5 shirt out of the 25 minute wait, so I can't complain.
I'm currently in a cabin somewhere near Burnsville, North Carolina. Is so beautiful out here, but also in the middle of nowhere. As we got closer to our destination, I watched the bars of service disappear from my cell. Now my phone won't even tell the time, as if it just gave up functioning altogether. The good news is there is ample wi-fi, which is odd, but I won't question it's existence.