Je veux ton amour

I need to learn to to be more blunt....I tend to beat around the bush and just sort of pathetically hope that people will get the message. However, I'm realizing that giving someone the benefit of the doubt isn't always a good thing because people can be quite oblivious, resulting in much uncommunicated frustration on my end.

I need to get some new hobbies. Every year I make a list of things I want to do over the break and in the new year, but let's be realistic, none of them ever get done. So instead of making a list with all these bagillion awesome things and saying "look how productive I'm going to be!"....I'm just going to focus on one or two and actually do them.

I have an unhealthy obsession with Lady GaGa. This is only very recent, but it's still prevalent in my life nonetheless because I find myself incorporating her lyrics into normal conversation. It's a problem. But she's so bizarre and her songs are so damn catchy. I'm convinced she's a cyborg. A leotard wearing, Euro-pop song producing, sexually confused cyborg.

Frustration.

You're gonna lose me if you don't choose me.

Take it easy, love nothing

Now I do as I please and lie through my teeth
Someone might get hurt, but it won't be me
I should probably feel cheap but I just feel free...
and a little bit empty
No, it isn't so hard to get close to me
There will be no arguments
We will always agree
And I'll try and be kind when I ask you to leave
We'll both take it easy
But if you stay too long inside my memory,
I will trap you in a song tied to a melody
and I will keep you there so you can't bother me.

PostSecret 11/8

"I've learned that people are more than their mistakes."

I'm not sure why, but Fridays are so lonely.

As soon as I get done with class around noon, I get this antsy feeling that never seems to go away and only becomes more persistent if I decide to come home to my parents house. It feels like I'm missing out on something....like everyone is collectively doing something epic without me.

This house doesn't feel like mine anymore and it's kinda sad. Of course, the fact that my mother is constantly renovating some room in the house doesn't help my cause.

I thought things would be getting better once Homecoming was over....but that hasn't really happened. So many newsworthy things happened this week that only increased the stress I was under dealing with multiple midterms and a news staff of five.

The events that occurred this week made me a little bitter and disgusted with the nature of how people can act. Granted, I try to keep an open mind and consider other people's perspectives. But sometimes, I just can't fathom how people can be so ignorant, close minded, rude, and just downright stupid.

I don't even want to delve into this preacher incident because it only gives me a headache. I'll just leave it at this. Neither party was right. In my opinion, both parties were very wrong. Freedom of speech seems to be such a touchy subject these days and I really feel that people abuse and take for granted this precious amenity. And that's exactly what happened Wednesday afternoon. I may not have been a witness to the events, but I know that no matter what the circumstances are, fighting violence with violence is guaranteed to make things 10x worse, and this case was no exception. It makes me incredibly bitter when I see people try to force their beliefs on other people. It upsets me even more when those people trying to be coerced react with absolute anger and hatred. Everyone thinks they are right. No one is ever wrong. Seriously, as lame as it sounds, can't we all just get along? I'm not saying we should all hold hands and commence skipping in a field of flowers. But let's at least stop acting like 5-year-olds, shrug our shoulders, and move on with life.

Moving on, allegations of hazing have surfaced involving one of the fraternities on campus. Hazing is wrong. That's it. No if, ands, or buts. It's degrading, pointless, not to mention against the law. The fact that people are trying to defend the fraternity in question just boggles my mind. Since when is it ok to urinate on someone? To throw chairs at them and make them do absurd physical activity? Is that what brotherhood is about? Letting someone degrade you just so you can be a part of an organization.....an organization that you are paying to be in? Please someone explain this to me. I get wanting to be a part of something that helps the community, that builds relationships and creates a positive atmosphere on campus. Please tell me what's positive about this humiliation and degradation that's been taking place.

I just can't wait to get off Greek beat because I feel that my own personal opinions on the organizations are going to start conflicting with my goals to remain objective. That........

and frankly. I just don't care anymore.

Note to self: Breathe

All I want to do is relax.

I don't want to worry about anything.

My mind has been in a constant state of motion for the past three weeks..

And I want it to stop.

I sorta feel like in my quest to help other people and putting others before myself, I've stretched myself thin and it's taking it's toll. Instead, I've been making decisions without thinking, and this may have undoubtedly made situations worse.

I don't get enough sleep. I hardly have enough time to eat. I have zero time to think.

I love my friends and the people I interact with on a day-to-day basis to death.....

but lately....

I'm just getting so annoyed with everyone. And I feel so utterly terrible about it. I find myself ignoring phone calls, not responding to texts. It's awful, and I'll catch myself doing it and think how incredibly rude it is.

It's just, I feel like a broken record telling people "I can't hang out, I'm busy, so sorry"...yet I keep getting asked over and over and over when I'm free. How terrible is that?? I'm annoyed that people want to spend time with me! I guess it's just frustrating because no one understands that because I'm getting pulled in every direction with work and school, the times when I'm not doing those activities is MY TIME. And when I get asked multiple times, it only stresses me out all the more. I can't help but get a little hissy when someone says "Hey thanks for coming to my party last night. NOT." Or, "You're always busy. Just put me on the waiting list and let me know when you are free." Heey now, sorry that I have other priorities.

But I'm done ranting about this because now I feel terrible for even mentioning it. It's just....I feel like I keep skirting the edge of a mental breakdown, and one of these days I might blow.

I want to leave the country, cell phone and computer-less and go somewhere where nobody knows me, sit, breathe, and relax. I'm tired of having obligations and responsibilities and I'm worried that all my hard work won't amount to anything in the long-run. :(

Caring is Creepy

The past two weeks have been rather weird.......weird encounters, weird conversations, weird situations....

I feel like I have been having an extended out of body experience. And while I'm standing there watching myself go through all this, all I can do is scratch my head and wait for it to end. But the weirdest thing BY FAR is the fact that while all this crap is happening, "Caring is Creepy" by The Shins is continuously playing in my mind. It sounds funny writing about it now, but after having this stuck in your head for a good 14+ days, it's driving me up the freakin' wall. 

I'm so sick of the music in my library. Since school started, I met a lot of new people and whenever we finally get to the "so what bands do you listen to..." conversation......I try to change the subject or respond with "good ones, I guess" and leave it at that. I used to be really smug about my taste in music, but come on who isn't? However, I have come to realize I'm embarrassed to tell people I'm a die-hard Death Cab fan or that Radiohead's Kid A is the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes. The red flag went up for me during a two hour long car ride to a Foster Falls camping trip. Someone in the car tossed out the "top 5 stranded on an island albums" question....and from there it just went downhill. I guess I should be proud that I have friends with eclectic tastes, but at the time I thought about pretending to be asleep so I didn't have to indulge everyone with my list. Is it a crime that I'm not really into Dylan that much? Sorry I never got into the Pixies. I only listen to the same indie bands that EVERYONE listens to. This has to change. But at the same time, I'm thinking all the up and coming bands out there need to get themselves together and expand their sound. I'm tired of shitty bands with ironic names that have a bagillion bearded, skinny, scruffy looking, vest wearing, cigarette holding followers. Boring and expected. 

Greek recruitment has started. Woot. I know, I know....who cares. However, after spending so much time around them, meeting and interviewing them, I have been pleasantly surprised. The Greeks do a heck of a lot on campus. They do a crap load of community service and a lot of them hold many leadership positions. And I have met some really classy ladies and some exceptionally polite gentlemen. Does this mean I will ever consider going Greek? No. But my initial perspective of them being obnoxious d-bags majoring in partying hardy has definitely changed. Mind you, a good handful of them do live up to the typical bro-status or overly dramatic party-girl cliche. But at least the others make up for their fraternity brothers and sorority sister's stereotypes. 

The recording industry department just got a new $300,000 API sound board in studio A, and I have to say it's kinda cute seeing a bunch of pro audio dudes getting reeeeallly excited about a surround mixing console. It ALMOST made me miss that aspect of my college career.....then I quickly realized I didn't have clue what Ronald Prent, an engineer from Belgium giving the demonstration was talking about. Nor did I really care. There was a girl standing behind me letting out ooooohs and aaaahs at appropriate times, and I really wanted to say shut up you are as clueless as me, but of course I didn't. It took me a little while to try and figure out why President Sidney McPhee was there speaking, but then I realized duh, $300,000 just got spent on a piece of recording equipment. That's a house. A relatively nice house.