Sunday, October 11, 2009

Note to self: Breathe

All I want to do is relax.
I don't want to worry about anything.
My mind has been in a constant state of motion for the past three weeks..
And I want it to stop.
I sorta feel like in my quest to help other people and putting others before myself, I've stretched myself thin and it's taking it's toll. Instead, I've been making decisions without thinking, and this may have undoubtedly made situations worse.
I don't get enough sleep. I hardly have enough time to eat. I have zero time to think.

I love my friends and the people I interact with on a day-to-day basis to death.....
but lately....
I'm just getting so annoyed with everyone. And I feel so utterly terrible about it. I find myself ignoring phone calls, not responding to texts. It's awful, and I'll catch myself doing it and think how incredibly rude it is.
It's just, I feel like a broken record telling people "I can't hang out, I'm busy, so sorry"...yet I keep getting asked over and over and over when I'm free. How terrible is that?? I'm annoyed that people want to spend time with me! I guess it's just frustrating because no one understands that because I'm getting pulled in every direction with work and school, the times when I'm not doing those activities is MY TIME. And when I get asked multiple times, it only stresses me out all the more. I can't help but get a little hissy when someone says "Hey thanks for coming to my party last night. NOT." Or, "You're always busy. Just put me on the waiting list and let me know when you are free." Heey now, sorry that I have other priorities.
But I'm done ranting about this because now I feel terrible for even mentioning it. It's just....I feel like I keep skirting the edge of a mental breakdown, and one of these days I might blow.
I want to leave the country, cell phone and computer-less and go somewhere where nobody knows me, sit, breathe, and relax. I'm tired of having obligations and responsibilities and I'm worried that all my hard work won't amount to anything in the long-run. :(

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