Wide Eyes

"All the men of faith and men of science had their questions.

Could it ever be on earth as it is in heaven?"

Re-Arrange

After writing that previously miserable post, I got to thinking. Whenever I have a free moment (which only seems to be between the hours of 11:30 p.m. and 7:30 a.m.) I daydream about how kick ass the summer is going to be a) Sidelines will be strictly online, no print edition. woot woot. b) I won't spend 40+ hours a week in the mass comm building; seriously, I'm friends with the janitorial staff and I'm surprised the school isn't charging me rent, and c) FREEE TIME. omgz

There are a few things to look forward to. First and foremost, I'm going to be making a little road trip to Arkansas to visit my beloved friend Sam Walker. This trip is long overdue and he calls me at least 2-3 times a week to remind me of this fact. I need to get out of TN for a little while and what better place to go than...um...Arkansas. Yeeeah.

I'm taking a feature writing class in June and my favorite professor is teaching it. When I say he's my favorite, that's not an understatement. The man brings us cookies to class for godsakes. I'm just happy to finally be taking a class that will teach me how to write properly because I've been wingin it this past semester as the features editor.

BONNA-FREAKIN-ROO. nuff said.

Upright bass lessons with Quinton? Yessuh. No one believes that I used to play piano or any instrument for that matter. It's cool because neither do I.

Hopefully the list will grow and I will accomplish the things on said list.

In other news, I'm looking forward to next fall semester because I'm looking to get more involved on campus in a way that doesn't involve the paper. For starters, Raiders Against Animal Cruelty, MT Outdoor Pursuits, and TOMS shoes campus club are things I'm going to be getting into. I'm tired of not being allowed to join groups like these because it's a "conflict of interest." F that. I just wrote an article on TOMS and it got me really giddy, so much so that I bought another pair. The fact that I bought a pair of shoes for a child that needs them gives me immeasurable happiness. Plus, Oprah thinks they're the shiz, so obviously, everyone else should too.

High five you're alive

The days keep morphing together, so much so that sometimes I forget what day it is. My 20th birthday came and went. I know the end of the semester is around the corner. It's just not in sight.

I sat outside today, watching Roz pace back and forth on the sidewalk, her disheveled bleached hair glinting in the sunlight.

"My life's gone to shit, Emma," she informed me as I quietly picked the gold polish off my nails.

"That's not necessarily.......true," I paused on the last word as I realized what I was telling her was, in fact, a blatant lie. She looked down at me, and we both knew it, letting out simultaneous sighs.

I suggested she take two hours out of a day to clean up her apartment, get the bills in order, forget about the paper and call her friend that's in a really bad place. But even as I suggested it, we both knew it was a stupid suggestion. She doesn't have two hours. She barely has two minutes.

Call me naive, but having responsibilities blows. I miss the times when people would call to ask how you were doing instead of "I need something from you." The weather has been so beautiful lately, but the only time I get to enjoy it is when I'm walking from class to class.

Is it this town that makes it so hard to be content? I can't say I've ever encountered anyone who has professed their love for it. The first time I ever came here I remember thinking "everything is gray and there are too many gas stations."

It's like none of us belong here and we all know it. But we don't do anything about it except complain. We all have this notion that we have to pay our dues and hopefully, things will pay off and get better. Q made me all depressed yesterday. He wants to get out so bad, this town has nothing for him. It's a cesspool filled with people who have big dreams, who talk up these big dreams, who daydream about these big dreams...but never actually fulfill them. I argued that this wasn't necessarily....true. I paused. I thought about all my aspirations and suddenly couldn't swallow the lump in the back of my throat.

I'm all for snapping out of this dismal mood. Things could be worse. But I hope they get better.

Sweet Disposition

I could listen to Leah laugh all day. I feed off of other people's personalities, it's something I've noticed about my own personality a long time ago. When I'm around her, her laugh makes me laugh. My sense of humor radiates, making her laugh harder, leaving me crying because I laugh harder too. I'm constantly floored by her demeanor; you would never know that she carries a broken heart when her laugh can light up a room. I guess the saying is true - it's only when we have lost everything that we are free to do anything. Life didn't end for her when her mother passed away. If anything, it only made her open her eyes and realize her passion to start living. And it's through her loss that I've realized how stagnant I've let my life become. I can attribute it to the winter weather. Or the turmoil of school and the paper. Or the loss of a loved one. But in the end, I only have myself to blame. The fact of the matter is I haven't managed my time wisely. I wasted my time on someone who didn't deserve it. I lost sight of the whole reason I enrolled in school in the first place; to get an education. I've been half-assing everything, barely getting by, and ending up with a blurry sense of myself. But I'm back on my feet now.

We were standing on the beach the other day and as I was letting the frigid ocean wash over my toes, I felt like I had just woken up. Like the auto-pilot version of me had suddenly switched to manual. I'm excited to see what's going to happen this spring.

anesthetize.

The past two days have made me realize how trivial and insignificant the things in my life are when compared to the loss one of my best friends is going through at this very moment. My mind can't wrap around this pain and quite frankly, I don't want it to. You and I take the people who love and care for us for granted every single day.

I only wish we weren't so distracted and self-involved to see this.

Glass Figurine

You've got me sitting on your mantle like a little glass figurine

Why must you be so mean?

No, I'm not your little toy,

your rosy-cheeked joy,

though the thought of you makes me sanguine

I'll do anything you want,

but I won't be your glass figurine.

My heart feels so heavy right now.